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6 apr 2024

It just crushes me over and over and over again that I have no hope in this world. I can't rely on people and the system doesn't care about me and there's really nothing I can do about it. I try SO HARD to bite + claw + cut out a little slice of life for myself but every time, eventually it dawns on me that it's pointless and I can never escape the crushing reality that I'm alone. I come back more + more frequently to the fantasy that someone out there loves me and understands me AND can provide for me in some meaningful way, but what I'm learning over and over and over again is that it's not true. I've NEVER met someone who meets all those conditions. What is the fucking point? There is no point to living like this. We're here because we're here. I find it hard to find any hope in that. I want a reason or I want comfort. I don't need both, but I never get the former and very seldomly do I get the latter.

I think I understand what it's like to be waterboarded. The feeling that you're dying, hopeless; the feeling of ending without ever reaching that end. There would be a reason to feel like you're dying- if you are. But I'm not dying. It just feels like I am, all of the time. Maybe there's some information The Universe wants out of me and that's why it's tortuing me like this. I want to believe that everything happens for a reason. I also think, when you are really honest with yourself, that it's impossible to not acknowledge the inherent (or apparent, perhaps) chaotic, complex, unknowableness of the world. Actually I think everything *does* happen for a reason, we as humans (or perhaps as finite parts of the infinite whole) are just too small to ever see/know the exact reasons for everything that happens.

There is good that happens in the world too. I think if we're honest, it's impossible not to acknowledge that too. Is continuing to exist in a society that, structurally, doesn't want you to an act of rebellion or self-mutilation?